Grief belongs to the griever.

26 August 2015. 13.08pm.

It’s been a year.
Exactly on this date, last year, at this exact time,
We lost our favorite guy.
A wife lost her loving husband.
A kid’s losing their awesome father.
The family who lost their love one.
A friend who lost their cool buddy.
We still in grief.

 

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

 

I’m not going to talk about my sisters and Ibu since we have different way about grieving. We all process things differently. We all have our own bundle of memories. No one exactly understands us for that. Even sometimes, I do feel like we also unable to understand each other for certain things. Why? Because we still have “that” feeling. Sadness, grief… Do you think you able to “layan” that-that-person if you your-own carrying some “burden”? Everything will become hard to swallow! And I guess from this point, we become insensitive sometimes.

Many people asked me, even I have that thought. Can I move on with all this?

The answer is I CAN. But I need some time.

How long it will take?

I’m not sure. Maybe after 2 years, 10 years, forever…

Even though today is 365 hari after Ayah pergi , It seems like it was only yesterday that we both lepak together, eating our favorite mee goreng ayam kurang pedas kat kedai mamak lepas beli mineral water, I still feel like macam baru semalam he scold me about being malas sleep all day on the weekend, It seems like it was only yesterday that I slide and lay on his bed between ayah and ibu asking “Malam ni ayah nak belanja makan kat mana?” and he will ask “Nak makan apa? Cepat siap”.

Dalam setahun, anything can happen. You have enough time to do what you wanted to do.
But for some reason like grief, one year will never feel so long. You feel like everything still in the same place and nothing less. You still hold on something that make you try so hard to pretend nothing has changed or maybe you can’t just accept all this fate and reality, so you just shut eyes close and not going to think more.

 

“Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life.”

Maria V. Snyder, Storm Glass

 

I always mentioned to my sisters and I always remind myself too that “Everything will be alright. We cannot feel down like this forever”. I always comfort them especially  my baby sister by saying…

“Imagine you will live until 100 years old. Will you be depressed till that age? Will you feel down until 100 because you not like your friends , you don’t have your father anymore? We should take time to move on. We should move on!”

I always want to make them feel OK whenever they feel not , but you know….. It’s easier said than done.

Kadang-kadang  “100 years old quote” tu aku rasa BULLSHIT.

Last raya , we promised we wont cry and  be strong for each other. And…It won’t last long.

I feel so awkward when I no longer need to ques untuk gosok baju raya ayah , I feel so awkward seeing all le’cousins line up , salam AYAH diorang while 4 of us keep looking each other face with “Jangan-nangis-jangan-nangis-control-control” look. I feel a bit awkward bila selalunya akan salam ayah dulu baru ibu , but now terus ke ibu…

Dulu  pernah few times  nampak lepas sesi salam-salam pagi raya , kadang-kadang ayah akan duduk kat kerusi hall atas dengar lagu raya sorang-sorang dan nangis. He miss arwah nenek dan arwah datuk so much.

This year,

I sit there , at the same spot. And I miss him.

“The worst type of crying wasn’t the kind everyone could see–the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me and Echo, our souls contained more scar tissue than life.”
Katie McGarry, Pushing the Limits 

 

But after all , I know setiap yang terjadi , ada hikmahnya.

Bit by bit  , step by step…

Dia tidak datangkan pengganti tapi Dia jelmakan Ayah dalam orang sekeliling. So that I can still feel his love and vibe.

 

Al-Fatihah.

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