26 August 2015. 13.08pm.
It’s been a year.
Exactly on this date, last year, at this exact time,
We lost our favorite guy.
A wife lost her loving husband.
A kid’s losing their awesome father.
The family who lost their love one.
A friend who lost their cool buddy.
We still in grief.
“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
I’m not going to talk about my sisters and Ibu since we have different way about grieving. We all process things differently. We all have our own bundle of memories. No one exactly understands us for that. Even sometimes, I do feel like we also unable to understand each other for certain things. Why? Because we still have “that” feeling. Sadness, grief… Do you think you able to “layan” that-that-person if you your-own carrying some “burden”? Everything will become hard to swallow! And I guess from this point, we become insensitive sometimes.
Many people asked me, even I have that thought. Can I move on with all this?
The answer is I CAN. But I need some time.
How long it will take?
I’m not sure. Maybe after 2 years, 10 years, forever…
Even though today is 365 hari after Ayah pergi , It seems like it was only yesterday that we both lepak together, eating our favorite mee goreng ayam kurang pedas kat kedai mamak lepas beli mineral water, I still feel like macam baru semalam he scold me about being malas sleep all day on the weekend, It seems like it was only yesterday that I slide and lay on his bed between ayah and ibu asking “Malam ni ayah nak belanja makan kat mana?” and he will ask “Nak makan apa? Cepat siap”.
Dalam setahun, anything can happen. You have enough time to do what you wanted to do.
But for some reason like grief, one year will never feel so long. You feel like everything still in the same place and nothing less. You still hold on something that make you try so hard to pretend nothing has changed or maybe you can’t just accept all this fate and reality, so you just shut eyes close and not going to think more.
“Everyone grieves in different ways. For some, it could take longer or shorter. I do know it never disappears. An ember still smolders inside me. Most days, I don’t notice it, but, out of the blue, it’ll flare to life.”
I always mentioned to my sisters and I always remind myself too that “Everything will be alright. We cannot feel down like this forever”. I always comfort them especially my baby sister by saying…
“Imagine you will live until 100 years old. Will you be depressed till that age? Will you feel down until 100 because you not like your friends , you don’t have your father anymore? We should take time to move on. We should move on!”
I always want to make them feel OK whenever they feel not , but you know….. It’s easier said than done.
Kadang-kadang “100 years old quote” tu aku rasa BULLSHIT.
Last raya , we promised we wont cry and be strong for each other. And…It won’t last long.
I feel so awkward when I no longer need to ques untuk gosok baju raya ayah , I feel so awkward seeing all le’cousins line up , salam AYAH diorang while 4 of us keep looking each other face with “Jangan-nangis-jangan-nangis-control-control” look. I feel a bit awkward bila selalunya akan salam ayah dulu baru ibu , but now terus ke ibu…
Dulu pernah few times nampak lepas sesi salam-salam pagi raya , kadang-kadang ayah akan duduk kat kerusi hall atas dengar lagu raya sorang-sorang dan nangis. He miss arwah nenek dan arwah datuk so much.
I sit there , at the same spot. And I miss him.
“The worst type of crying wasn’t the kind everyone could see–the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me and Echo, our souls contained more scar tissue than life.”
― Katie McGarry,
But after all , I know setiap yang terjadi , ada hikmahnya.
Bit by bit , step by step…
Dia tidak datangkan pengganti tapi Dia jelmakan Ayah dalam orang sekeliling. So that I can still feel his love and vibe.
Bravery isn’t only about heroic acts in unusual situations.
It’s a big risk.
You may get an advantage about being brave, but it can turn vice versa and ruin your day instead.
Be in my shoes, after quite some time I have no choice, I feel like I need to stand up for ME.
I believe that no one will fight for us if not yourself who doing it, because as we know, “This is a fact of life”.
There’s no point if I keep holding back and keep everything to myself alone. It won’t make me feel better because all things just turning gray.
Some friend told me what I’m doing is good. I try to speak up.
Some friend told me I’m brave. Really?
Some friend told me I’m doing something that so unexpectedly. Maybe..
Some friend told me I’m digging my own grave. Ermm..
It’s OK if we being rejected because of our “bravery actions”, at least we tried.
That’s the most important part of being brave rite?
Doing something without putting a soul to it, ah that sucks!
Even when you try harder to make things better, it will burdened you more.
No matter how big, how cool, how extravangce the thing you do, it will give an impact.
Sooner or later.
“and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
So it is better to speak
we were never meant to survive”
― Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn: Poems
I’m not brave. I believe I have just reached my upper limit.
I just want to be understandable by others. To get that attention, sometimes we need to go BOLD.
Overall, bold is a good quality. It has nuances of gutsy, pro-active, and adventurous as well as morally courageous. On the other hand, it can imply forward, brazen and rash, even offensive. It really depends on the context and the particular nuance can be subtle.
Brave on the other hand is virtually always a good quality. It is pretty much synonymous with courageous.
Do you hold back saying what you think because you want to make sure that everything you say makes perfect sense? Me too!
I want to be liked, I want to be nice. I don’t want to deal with anyone being upset or offended by what I’ve said.
But I told you, it’s difficult!
With people surround me, with what I’m hearing everyday, with what happen everyday, what life experience I gain every day, I don’t think I can always say something sweet like cola.
Different people need to be dealt with in different ways. Again , “This is a fact of life”.
Sometimes when I want to say something bold, I stay silent because I just imagine a nameless disaster. But if I think it through and ask myself “what is the worst thing that could happen?”. Then I realize that the worst thing will happen is that person I’m speaking to might be upset for a day or for a week. Gosh! But I think I can still handle them. Sooner or later we will settle this thing right?
Actually, not able to say what I am thinking is really annoyed me so much. But when I’m not able to make people see clearly my point, is worse.
Because of this reason, I will try hard to make everything goes well. And when I’m saying “Goes Well”, it sometimes will turn hell to others. Sorry!